SEXES.

EIGHT WORDS WITH TWO MEANINGS.

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.Female...... Any part under a car's hood.Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.Male.... Playing cricket without a box.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion.Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.



AND;He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.She said . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said . . ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said . ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?She said . .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . . ..... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?She said . . .. I would but you're never there.

He said . ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?She said . . They don't have time

He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?She said . . We don't know; it has never happened.

He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?She said ...... . . They already have boyfriends.

She said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?He said . . . A widow.

He said . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

BOBBY .........................................

ROBERT! WHERE FOR ART THOU BOBBY??
WHERE ARE YOU? ARE YOU HIDING FROM YOUR SUGAR CANDY BABE MISS ANGE? C'MON MR R.H SUGAR DADDY, YOUR NEGLECTING ME! GET WITH THE PROGRAMME! IM UPSET, MISSING YOUR INTELLIGENT COMMENTS. NOT HAPPY!!!!!!!!LOL.................hahahahahahahahahahahahah

Telephone Sales

I took the plunge and agreed to do a survey for telephone sales. I thought what the hell, as i was told it would only take up 5minutes of my time. Big big big mistake!
I was sent a video to watch, which was a TV show. I had to fill in a survey prior to watching the Tape. Then watched the tape and completed another survey.But thats not all. I recieved a phone call saturday to give my answers to the survey. Then i had to complete a million questions over the phone about the advertisments that were on the tape. Little did i know i had to concentrate on the advertising, i memorised bits and pieces of the sit com instead. This took up 20-30 minutes of my time! i did however recieve a $10 coles myer voucher. So i guess thats a good thing.
Other than that its been work work work. I attended a baby shower today which was a bit of fun. Then ventured to a pub for a counter meal and drinks. Was very enjoyable with the girls from work. So thats about it from me for this week. One more thing....... Hasn't the weather been sensational!!!!!! Bring it on.....

I loooove this!!!!

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WOMEN

Ok, Nixie has given us 5 reasons why it is better to be a woman than a man. I am going to tell you my 5 neagative reasons;

1) mestruation, PMT, Period pain, thrush, birth controll

2) Childbirth, mastitis (havn't been there yet but have heard all the grousom stories).

3)maintenance.(waxing, shaving, hairdressers, lingere, make-up blah..blah..blah.We are Expensive creatures)

4)Domestic duties. the cook, the cleaner and the maid.

5)The organiser. eg; birthdays (buying the presents), parties, shopping, and the taxi driver.

These are just reasons off the top of my head. But god did create, and i am proud to be a woman. Yes, the things us women deal with are daunting, but me myself personally wouldnt want it any other way.If one is lucky enough, we could be showered with flowers and gifts for no reason at all.
Miss Ange is Woman!!!!!!

BIRTHDAYS

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DOT!!!!

Dorothy turned 100yrs old on the 17th of August! She is a patient that I have been caring for at work. The room was decked out with streamers, a happy birthday banner and , metallic helium filled balloons. Lots of guests arrived with gifts. Even a photographer, who took snaps of Dot, which will be published in the local paper. I was so excited. It's my first ever 100th birthday I have attended, and I felt priveledged to be caring for for this frail old lady who is a century old! VERY VERY SCARY! I will NEVER make it to that age. I know!!!
I got to see the letter one receives off the queen. Its actually a card with a real photograph of her majesty and, a warm birthday greeting signed in felt pen; "Elizabeth." She also received a card from the govenor and his wife. Didn't get one from John Howard( Mr sheen), the tight arsed prick! LOL. I was hoping to be in the photo with dot. But no, my boss said something along the lines of privacy and confidentiality to do with the staff at the hospital. So I missed out. Bugger! But hang on a minute... All you Melbournians/ Australians better stay tuned for a documentary that is going to air on channel 2 Monday the 22nd. It was filmed on our ward today, about a patient that i have been caring for with a certain condition. So stay tuned!!!

Life in a jar

THE MAYONNAISE JAR AND COFFEE

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar ... And the coffee.
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "yes." The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed. "Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, " I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things-your God, family, your children, your health, your friends, and your favorite passions-things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car. The sand is everything else-the small stuff. "If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal." Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand." One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."

CONFUCIUS

If any of you melbournians out there listen to Nova radio station (my favourite), you would have heard huesy and kate talking about confucius. This is what i heard;


confucius says man who walks sideways down down plane is not necessarily going to bangkok

confucius says man who farts in church has to sit in own pew.

confucius says man who pops balloon with a pin is like losing your virginity; one prick and its gone

confucius says man who drops watch in toilet is bound to end up with a shitty time

confucius says man who goes to bed with an itchy bottom wakes up with a smelly finger.

Whats your confucius????? Do tell!!!

laughs all round

Laughs at work! Liz(one of the nurses i work with) was telling me how her and her parter live on top of a cafe and the toilet is downstairs. She tells me that theres a laundry upstairs where the cats toilet lives(litter tray). She tells Michael( her partner) that shes going to use the cats tray as the loo as its too cold to venture downstairs. He says "your joking?" " No im not!" replies Liz. So off she goes and scrapes the litter as though shes making a hole to void in. Michael hears this and says on her return to bed "you didnt? Liz said she couldnt hold back the laughter as it was a joke. She nearly had him fooled! Talk about hilarious...
Then we got onto the topic of incontinence. The doctors were at the desk with us nurses. We happened to be talking about a 35 yo male who is a patient on the ward who is incontinent. He has AIDS and is very ill. Any way, one doctor said if i ever get like that i will shoot up with some heroin. The other said no, ketamine(known as special K on the streets) and then he changed his mind and said pethadine. The doctors then went into specifics of how peth is only short acting.So the outcome was that you would keep shooting up a high dose every 3 hrs or so. What a professional conversation! LOL.
It has to be the baby boom! So many people are having babies. Anna had a girl a month ago, Andrea is due in 6 weeks, Kate had a girl a week ago, Sam had child recently,Yen had a girl, May had a girl, Christian has announced he will be a dad in february and, Dr Andy is due any minute. I have not sat in the hot seat! Believe me...there has to be one!!!

PART 2 OF ODD SPOT FACTS

1)People say "bless you" when you sneeze, because when you sneeze your heart stops for amillisecond.

2)It is physically impossible for pigs to look up to the sky.

3)A polar bear's skin is black. Its fur is not white but actually clear.

4)More people are killed annually by donkeys than die in air crashes. (What the??)

5)35% of people who use personal ads for dating are already married. (doesn't surprise me)

6)Leonardo da Vinci invented scissors

7)Lemons contain more sugar than strawberries

8)Boanthropy is a disease in which a person thinks they're an ox. (nutbags)

ICE AGE

I have achieved. This morning I got up and braved melbourne's 7 degree weather and went for a power walk. The only thing is I didn't wear enough layers of winter woollies, and saw that my peripheral ciculation in my hands change from a healthy pink to reddish blue.Then the numbness set in. But as I plodded along for 20minutes i warmed up.
Nova radio station have been going on about snow in the suburbs. Listeners have been calling saying that its snowing in whittlesea and ballarat. It will be interesting to see if melbourne becomes a blanket of white.
As i prepared to get ready for work my mischievious moggy decided he would climb the clothes rack. It was hilarious(my favourite word at the moment).He was hanging from the rungs, twisting, attempting balance, which he succeded. Iwish i had have had a cam handy.
Then i made my way to the milkbar where i was served by an asian gentleman who has minimal english skills. As i was buying, he kept on going to his pc as it made bell sounds. I gather he was internet chatting. I found this to be very rude when you are meant to be serving a customer. i felt like saying "Mate, forget your pc and just serve me!" I didnt say anything, but gee i really wanted to. Does anyone have manners in this world??? Its not the first time he has done this when i have ventured down there to buy something!

Am i fussy?

If i moved out of a place that i was sharing with someone, i would make sure that i cleaned up all my mess. For example; i would vaccum the bedroom , vaccum the room that i used for the pc, clean the bathroom, throw out rubbish that had been left on the floor in the bedroom eg;general rubbish, shopper dockets, bank receipts, dirty tissues and, wash any bed linnen, towels etc that i had used.
I remember when i shared with another couple and another girl, it didnt work out after living with them for 3 months, so i moved out! When i did so, i made sure that i cleaned the room that i was using and didnt leave anything for others to pick to up. Isnt that manners and common courtsey?
My house mate moved out on sunday and left what i have stated above. I asked him to try and get the stains out of the carpet that he had left. Time wasn't permitted, so he gave me $10 to go toward steam cleaning. I think im about $20 short off him for carpet cleaning. But hey whats $20?
So, the moral of my blog is that i have been left with cleaning up after someone else. I dont think im over reacting. Im not fussy. Its the principal. Isn't it? I am alittle pissed off. does anyone blame me?Do you think im being fussy??????

monday's daily horoscope

my personal daily horoscope for scorpio


Opportunities appear now if you keep your eyes and ears open. You can harmonize areas in your life that are discordant, and you can assert yourself with less resistance from the world around you. You have a feel for how to lead now, and you are sensitive to what you really want.


MY LOVE FORECAST

You get along more easily now with others, and you attract someone who supports you. You and your partner are a good fit, and you can fulfill each other’s needs without being prompted. You feel comfortable just being yourself now which can draw those who appreciate you for who you are and not some image that you seek to project

MY WORK FORECAST

Opportunities for success in your work appear now. You must seek them out, however, if you want to cash in. By applying yourself to those financial areas that are troublesome, you gain an upper hand. A presentation is well received at this time, and people appreciate what you have to show.

Pfftt! nice to believe all of this. Yeah right! Im not a suckerrr..........

CRUELEST ACT MAN COULD EVER CARRY OUT!

THIS IS SOOOOO DIGUSTING! MY STOMACH MILLS AND CHURNS TO THIS. I CANT BELIEVE IT. THIS HAS TO BE THE WORST FORM OF CRUELTY TO ANIMALS. IF YOU ARE BRAVE ENOUGH, GO TO THE WEB SITE OUTLINED BELOW!!!!!!!!


A Japanese man in New York breeds and sells kittens that are called BONSAI CATS. That would sound cute, if it weren't kittens that were put into little bottles after being given a muscle relaxant and then locked up for the rest of their lives!! The cats are fed through a straw and have a small tube for their faces. The skeleton of the cat will take on the form of the bottle as the kitten grows. The cats never get the opportunity to move. They are used as original and exclusive souvenirs. These are the latest trends in New York, China, Indonesia and New Zealand. If you think you can handle it, go to this site http://www.bonsaikitten.com have a look at t he methods being used to put these little kittens into bottles.

(This was from an e mail i recieved recently. There's a petition attatched to stop this outrageous act.)

check this out!!!

1)In lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.(Like THAT makes sense.)

2)In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a womans genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.(do they look different reversed?)

3)In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.(Makes one shudder at the thought!)

4)Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.(Who volunteers for this stuff?)

5)Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or a piece of wood at all times.( A brick?)

6)Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.( Is that why flipper was always smiling?)

7)Butterflies taste with their feet.( Ah, geez.)

8)An Ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.( I know some people like that.)

9)Starfish dont have brains.( I know some other people like that too!)

10) And, the best for last........Turtles can breathe through their butts. ( One must assume they have bad breath?)

Are you looking at me??!!

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